Powerless

2023, Autumn (Time of writing the first real draft)

“It [value] is created by the affirmative relationship itself, by the very act of responding favorably, giving an object emotional and pervasive importance regardless of its capacity to satisfy interests.”
Irving Singer, The Nature of Love Volume 1: Plato to Luther

Music: Twilight Mist, Lee Morgan

In love, as in life, it is often the little things that make it work. A well-timed smile, a look that lingers a mere moment too long. It is hard to isolate the exact cause. Was it the way she got her hair out of her face? The way she rested her hand, ever so briefly on my shoulder? I don’t know how it started but I know that it is here. Now that it is, it can neither be denied nor escaped.

It is a DC bar on a DC evening. One you might see it in the movies. Dark wood, high ceilings, a handful of chandeliers. An aroma of power is present in the air, as it is many places in downtown Washington DC. There is jazz, Brubeck I think. It is hard to hear through the buzz. The buzz is more important than the jazz around here. It is a hum of important people, doing something in between networking and having fun.

I am one of the few people who isn’t wearing a suit. Back in high school it used to be the opposite. Me and a couple friends would suit up every Friday. High school feels like a different life, lived an era ago. A different Friday, a different life. Everything is very different.

One of the things that is different is the woman next to me. Not that there were never any women around me in high school. In fact, some women were flirting with me in high school, or so I was told much later. The big difference is that this time I have a clue. I am reasonably sure that I know where this is going. There is something; a moment, a look, a smell. Something has told me the final page of the story. I know it, and Sarah knows it too.

Is there something like love for one night? I think so. I think I know I love her tonight.

Maybe this situation is but a reflection of our attraction. In the right circumstances, the feeling that the other finds you attractive is attractive in itself. A mechanism that strengthens itself. Even without compounding variables like, a romantic atmosphere and the art of flirting, this mechanism is strong. Combined with cocktails, it can become quite overwhelming.

I know this, Sarah knows this, and what is more, we feel it between us. A magnetism that is hard to escape. Even if we would have wanted to.

Why Sarah started this, why she sat down next to me, why she started to chat and flirt, it is a mystery. Some say women are attracted to power and money. It cannot be. In this room I am the poor and the powerless. She could be flirting with the up and coming political tigers or the protegee lawyers. Yet she sits here with me, a fairly insignificant foreign student.

Sarah is also a foreign student but she is also the daughter of a high-ranking foreign official. She has social currency here. Though it appears love doesn’t care about currency tonight.

She gestures me to come closer. As if she is going to whisper a secret into my ear. I lean in. “Whoops” she whispers. She bites my ear. A flood of neurotransmitters, hormones and whatever else my body can cook up, floods over me. It hurts, but seldom was a little bit of pain so rewarding. It is the expression of a sentiment; one that really counts.

I quickly exchange a look with the bartender. He is smiling. I guess he loves an underdog. He gives us two drinks unasked for. No charge. A romantic behind the bar, what more can I ask for?

The bite; it is a drastic move. An action to confirm a near certainty. Something that seals a deal. Still, she assumed it was a deal I was already sold on. She is not wrong. With a nibble, she confirmed that we have indeed crossed another boundary. When exactly we crossed it, neither of us can know for sure. In flirting and in love there are lines. Lines, moments, silent words, things unseen, or rather, unnoticed. It starts subtle, getting clearer and clearer over time. And then; there are teeth in your ear and the whole thing is undeniable and inescapable.

Some slick young DC guy walks over to talk to us. Less us and more her to be precise. To be even more precise let me emphasize the to in talk to. He seems to think confidence and an air of power will do it. He is showing off and Sarah seems but a side character in this tale he is telling. It is about him and he thinks highly enough of himself that he should be good enough for the two of them.

Dear DC dude, if this would work, then why would she be sitting next to someone insignificant like me?

The guy turns away for a moment. Sarah looks at me and whispers “will. you. just. kiss. me.” Some things haven’t changed since high school. Crossing the line into a kiss, it isn’t my greatest talent. “What?” I whisper back.

Her lips answer with a kiss.

There isn’t a moment to look at DC dude. I am sure he is baffled. He wouldn’t understand, and you know what? DC dude, you slick bastard, neither do I exactly.

There is more jazz. The bartender is happy and gives us another freebie. I am happy too. That old tricky line has been crossed. A line that has always troubled me. Why is the kiss such a troublesome line? Is it because I find the first kiss to be the highest romantic achievement? I am not certain. The philosophy of the kiss remains an underdeveloped field, but one that intrigues me. How do I know this kiss is a little bit about spiting DC dude? How do I know this kiss is mostly about us? How do I know this kiss is about what happens next between us? How do I know all this from just a first kiss.

Then again, there is nothing like just a first kiss.

Even if this is only for one night, there is something real between Sarah and me. Love, undeniable, but of an unusual sort. A desire to be together, to cross those lines together. To find comfort in each other’s arms. The joy of being together. Nothing transactional about that. Even if it is just for the night.

Washington DC, 2013 near the end of October.

Written from notes I made at the time and only rediscovered about a decade later.